The Exploding Fizzling Career of Zac Efron

It seems every time you turn on the news these days, another young celebrity has gotten into trouble.  Last week Miley Cyrus was tweeked out and twerking at the MTV Video Music Awards.  This week Logogorrhea Blogorrhea has learned that Zac Efron, star of High School Musical, completed rehab five months ago.  The star, 26, was addicted to Diet Coke and Mentos – a combination that can be fatal.

 

Dr. Xavier Bonaventure oversaw Efron’s detox and rehab program and agreed to speak with us about the actor’s struggle on the condition of anonymity. 

“Zac’s rise to stardom happened too quickly and forced him to grow up too fast.  I see a lot of young actors who turn to doping and boozing to cope with the pressures of getting too hot too fast in the movie biz.  At least, that’s my professional opinion.”

Efron first started “fizzing,” as Millennials call it, six years ago.  You may have seen the videos of men in goggles and white lab coats dropping a Mento or two into a two liter bottle of Coke.  The volcanic reaction stimulates your senses and you may think its pretty neat – but what are your kids thinking?  What if your teenager thought it would be cool or funny to drink fizzy pop and then swallow a few Mentos?

For years, Efron managed to keep his addiction a secret from his closest friends and family.  Last Halloween, all hell finally broke loose.  Efron went with a few of his friends to one of Aaron Spelling’s notorious Halloween parties dressed as Hanna Montana (note the irony).  Sources say that Efron’s sister, Monica, spent an hour looking for him after he had disappeared.  She finally found him in Spelling’s library reading Story Time with Tori Spelling foaming at the mouth. Monica got there just in time.

Dr. Bonaventure explained that Efron’s BMI levels were off the charts when he was rushed to St. Catherine’s Emergency Room.  Another thirty minutes, Efron would have fizzled to death.

This was the wakeup call that Zac Efron needed.  He checked himself into Lizardntub Rehab Facility in Palo Alto, where he was under intense supervision for his first month.  “It wasn’t easy, but I knew that each breath mint could be my last.  I came forward to tell my story so that it may serve as an example to teens and tweens who may think that turning your body into a second grade science experiment might impress the ladies.  I want them to know that it’s OK to just say no.”

Efron has only had one minor setback after watching the bubble scene of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Hopefully, coming out with this story will serve as a reminder to parents that our children are experiencing pressures that we did not have to endure growing up in the 20th century.  The ground has simply gotten too low.